Ok, moment of weakness here..

Whhhhhhhy meeeeeeee? Why do I have to do this? Why does my husband, my kids, my family, my friends have to go through this with me? They don't want to do it, either! It's not fair. I know I have been reassured it is not true the few times that I have let it out, and I really don't think it's true most of the time, but a little part of me still can't help think sometimes that I have been an awful person somewhere along the lines. Maybe not outwardly, but even some of the thoughts in my head. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.  I hate this. 

I'm just feeling sorry for myself right now. It happens now and then, and it's bound to happen. I become Iron Woman today. I get my port put in, and it's just making me feel a little bit closer to that title of becoming an official cancer patient. 

I dropped the kids off with my parents last night, because they are going to watch them for a few days so I can get some rest. Kirra was so sad, she was trying so hard not to cry when I dropped her off, but she couldn't hold it back anymore. It made me feel so badly. She is usually my easy one, she loved to stay overnight with Grandma and Papa, and often told them she'd like to live and go to school there. I don't know if it's her age, or maybe she knows that something is going on with me, but it really broke my heart to see her so sad. And it confirmed my reason that I need to fight so hard for this. I NEED to be here. I can NOT leave my kids, husband and family behind. They all need me, and fuck it if I'm going to let this lymphoma get the best of me. I'm tired of it already. I need it out and gone and behind me. I will do my part and be the best little patient I can, and I will fight the shit out of this thing. I just can't help but have moments like this when I feel sorry for myself. Maybe that's not what I'm feeling, I guess I'm just more pissed and mad. I don't feel sorry for myself, and I don't want any of you to feel sorry for me, either. I really don't. It's funny how "I'm sorry" is just a universal phrase that everyone says, for something as minor as stepping on a toe, or for when a loved one passes, or when someone gets diagnosed with cancer. I'm guilty of saying it all the time. I am a self proclaimed Guilty Catholic. And I don't fault any of you who have said it to me, what can you say? What I'm now trying to get across  is that I don't want anyone to feel like I need sympathy or empathy for what I am going through. I want NO ONE else to ever have to go through this, as much as I can hope for it. Just know that I am going to be strong, and while it suuuuuuuuuucks, I can do this. I can. I really can. If you start to feel sorry for me, stop yourself, go scream really loud outside (or inside), do some fist pumps in the air, stamp your feet on the ground, or just eat a lot of chocolate chip cookies, because I am not going to be feeling sorry for myself. So you shouldn't either. 

So, now I'm done. I won't promise that this won't happen again, I know I am capable of crying many rivers over this (Justin Timberlake, you can come serenade me anytime, while I watch you dance), but for now I am done. Gotta go get ready to get the good drugs and become Iron Woman :). Then I'll come home and watch hours and hours of the Cosby Show on Netflix. 

Xoxoxo