How do you spell relief? R-E-M-I-S-S-I-O-N. hallelujah! The cancer has left the building :). I have a copy of the PET scan report, and I'm considering framing it. "No metabolic activity", it says, in all the areas that previously were lit up on the scan. I cried when I founded out. I hugged my dr. She said it was the best response that they could've seen to the chemo, it was great news :). I listen to my drs, people, of course I'm going to respond well :). Oh.

Ryan celebrated with his good buds by going surfing on the lake. He said the waves were perfect. I celebrated with my 2 best friends from college, Clarice and Jenny, who came in from far away lands. My second mother and sister from another mister, Kathy and Colleen, came in as well. It was a great day, spent with some important people! My Mom and Dad were so happy. Called my brothers. Texts were blasted to all. Thank goodness for technology!! Lol

I had chemo today, and I have just one more in January. Then I am done! The dr said she will send me to the radiation oncologist, just for a consult to see what they recommend, but it will be pretty much up to me what I want to do with that. I will have to do my research. But as far as I am concerned, I am DONE!

Thank you, God. Thank you, Universe. Thank you, land, sea and skies. There's nothing more I wanted for Christmas or to bring in this New Year. Most of all...I thank all of YOU. You prayed, thought of me, screamed, stamped your feet, all with me in mind. IT WORKED!!!!! Thanks to you, I get to see my 2 beautiful children grow up, and have many more slow dances with my fantastic husband. I can not, just can not believe how wonderful of a group of friends and family that I have. I know how to pick 'em ;). I guess that makes me pretty great, too, huh? I still don't know why I was chosen to fight this, and still am in a bit of denial that I had cancer. Ahh..did you see that?? HAD cancer.

I AM A SURVIVOR! :*). Tears of joy.

Lots of love!! Happy New Year!

I am up early this morning. Probably because I napped yesterday. Definitely because I am nervous and anxious to find out the results of my PET scan from yesterday. I have chemo today. I'm not looking forward to the after effects, but I can get through it if the scan comes out good. Oh man. My stomach is doing flips!

I'll post as soon as I can re: the results. Keep on thinking those positive thoughts!!

It's been a while since I last posted, sorry about the delay. For all wondering, I am doing well now. Much better than last week. I will have to say, this last chemo was rougher than the others. I felt nauseous, and just not right. It took longer to feel normal again, about a week and 1/2. Mostly, the nausea was the worst of it. Ugh. I'm totally not looking forward to the next 2 infusions. My last infusions. I'll get through them, I know I have to, but the anticipation of it all is what makes me dread them. I can taste the medicine and smell it. Ugh. And forget about ever eating or shopping at Whole Foods ever ever again. Chemo has ruined that for me. We've had lunch there for all of my chemo treatments. Looks like I'll have to find another place.

I have my PET scan scheduled for Wednesday the 28th, the day before my 5th chemo. The dr will have the results then, and will be able to tell me if this is all working. I believe it is, I have no more bumps in my neck, at all. So... Let's hope and pray that this confirms this, and I can say that I am in remission! It will make the last 2 chemo treatments more manageable.

Christmas is 4 days away, and then we have the new year. Don't know about you all, but I am ready for this year to be OVER! On to a better year for all! I have a lot to do in 2012, beating cancer and saying "bye" forever is #1 ;).

Merry Christmas to all! I will update as soon as I can after my scan and chemo. In fact, I will post as soon as I get my results on Thursday morning, the 29th. So, stay tuned!

Xoxoxo

I have chemo #4 tomorrow. My long time friends Annie and Chrissy are coming up to sit with me :). It will be a fun time, I'm sure!

I'm not looking forward to the blah feelings that last about a week after chemo, it's getting old. But I only have 3 more to go.

Otherwise, we're all doing well over here. St. Nick came last night for the kids. We are going to have Breakfast with Santa this weekend. Christmas is in a little over 2 weeks! Wow!

I'll post after chemo tomorrow. Cheers to all!

I told 2 of my patients today about me, having lymphoma. The first patient is a new lady, super nice and cool, offered up her parking spots on Brady street for any upcoming festivals that we may attend (score!). Her reaction: NO FUCKING WAY!!! I started laughing. Then she proceeded to throw F bombs left and right. She made me laugh. The second patient is a woman that I've seen 2 times in the past. We started the visit with our usual "hi, how are you"'s, then she said " why don't you take off your hat?". I said, "wait til you see this...". Took off my hat, and she said "SHIT!!!!!". I smiled and said "yeah, you're telling me!". Funny reactions, both led to conversations about life, and how not to take things for granted. I really have some of the best patients. I've probably left an impression on them, right from the start, I hope they can take the impression and know that they can get through whatever they are going through, as well.

Just a few pics from my last chemo, and my visitors :)

How can anyone be so full of crap? It's just not possible.

I am speaking of myself. And I mean this quite literally.

Plus side--I think I've lost 10 lbs in one day. Ahhhhhhh.

I'm delayed with posting, but I'm here! I'm not as nauseous, but I was definitely more so than in the past. My feet are starting to go numb :(. It's just off and on, but they definitely feel tingly. I will have to let the dr know at my next appt. I have a PET scan after my next chemo to check out how it's all going, but I'm optimistic. :). I just have to deal with my impending moodiness that will undoubtedly emerge tonight from stopping the prednisone. My poor kids and husband. It's nasty.

Have a great short week, all! Turkey day is a comin'!

Chemo today, and I'm nauseous. Ugh. Not liking this. I will keep up on my meds. I hope I can get through my work day tomorrow, and on friday I will relax. I think I jinxed myself.

Thank you to Lisa, Jenny and Mrs. Hurst for sitting with me today. It made the time go by do quickly. Love you all lots, you made my day :)

And thanks for all your texts and well wishes, to those who contacted me, one way or the other.

Off to ward off the pukies. :(

It's been a long time since I last posted. And here we are...another round of chemo tomorrow! Already, huh?! After tomorrow, I'll be half way done. Wow. I think I also have a scan coming up here soon, I will find out from the dr tomorrow when I see her. The bumps in my neck are all but gone. I would say they are gone, but I think I feel some imaginary bumps in there. I will probably always feel imaginary bumps in there, from now on. This is my life!

I continue to feel good. I have been working full time, I am still running about 2-4 miles at a time, 3-4 times a week. I hope I can run a Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving, we'll see how this chemo goes. My finger tips are still numb. I don't pay any mind to it anymore. My feet are generally ok, every now and then I feel like they are a bit numb, but then I feel them again. That ucky feeling in my stomach is gone for now, but we will see once I start up the prednisone tomorrow. I'll start taking my preventative meds tonight. The last week, I have been falling asleep at 9 pm, after the kids are in bed. I can't keep my eyes open! Or I have to have a nap in the afternoon. I suppose that's to be expected. Other than that, I am truckin' along!

I did have to remind myself that I do indeed have cancer, this last weekend. It's hard for me to remember this sometimes, as stupid as that sounds. I did get a little bit scared, wondering "what if the chemo isn't working?" etc. Again, I'm sure this will now be the story of my life, always wondering if it's not working, or if it's come back, or if it's moved somewhere else... What can I do? Just keep going on, and thinking positively. I am still positive, I just have to nudge myself every now and then, tell myself that even though I have been given the easy route so far, it's still a big open road I have to travel.

I'm excited because two of my spectacular friends are driving up from miles and miles away to sit and watch me get shot up tomorrow :). Safe travels, Lisa and Jenny!! I'll update more this week. Sorry it's been such a long time since I've posted, but when there's nothing to report, assume I am doing well. :)

Xoxoxo

Update--feeling good! No problems here. A little bit of a rolling stomach, but I can eat and drink ok (darn. So much for that starvation diet). Heading into Halloween weekend, ready to raid the kids' trick or treat buckets ;). We have a busy weekend ahead. Thanks for all your well wishes! The kids are getting over sicknesses, so is Ryan, but I have been healthy. I just won't question it anymore, I'll just go with it.

Happy Halloween, all! Xoxoxo

I had to add a pic of my darling hubby and Evan, bc it's such a cute pic :)

Chemo #2, done. Feel ok so far. I got the full dose of the vincristine (numb fingers drug) so we'll see. They said it will get worse before it gets better. Pray that it stays away from my feet! My stomach is rolling a little bit, but I'm on the nausea meds. And we'll see if thE prednisone makes me hyper tonight. I'm 1/3 of the way done! Wahoo!! My visitors for today are in the picture :) Thanks for the brownies, Katie and Evan! Xoxoxo

I went for a Bare Minerals makeover yesterday, and lemme tell you... I look fantastic. :). This make up is a miracle. Like a miracle bra. I was told my face looks slimmer. And sans hair, I may just have to become a head model or something (I came up with this one, no one actually told me that. Lol). Is there such thing?

Questions were asked of me re: my bald head today at work. A lot of people did not know before, and the people who asked wondered if I was doing it for breast cancer. When I told them I had cancer, it surprised them, probably as much as it would surprise ME if any of my coworkers said the same. My patients have all been very nice, and curious about it, asking me questions, which I don't mind. At the same time, I do not want to take away from the reason why I am there--to treat THEM, as my patients.

I got some of my hats today and went out a bought some new scarves this weekend. I also have some neck scarves bc my neck gets cold now. I look kind of fancy, with all my accessories and make up! And man, it takes time to be high maintenance! It took me almost 20 minutes to put on make up this morning. I need to streamline my technique or something. But like I said, the results are fabulous ;). Falling in like, not love, with my bald head daily.

Someone slap me, before I get a big head. A big, bald head.

Well, it's gone. Call me what you will... Mr. Clean, Kojak, GI Jane, Telly Savalas. I ain't got no hair. I have been shorn like a sheep. I did a lot of it, I looked kinda cool with a crew cut. Then Ryan shaved the rest of it. I caught glimpses of my brothers in the mirror every now and then. If any of you thought John and I looked like twins before, you'll flip now. My husband always *loved* when people said that. ;). I do think the absence of my hair will make me girlier, in the fact that I am going to wear make up daily now. And paint my nails. And I want BIG hoop earrings. Some other gaudy ones, too. Watch out, Carmen Miranda! I may just get a huge fruit head piece. You never know. ;)

I'm not quite ready to post pictures yet (oh, you better believe its been finely documented by my personal photographer), but I will when I'm ready. I placed a big hat order last night, so they'll be here next week. I am kind of anxious to hear the reactions of my patients today when I go see them. And the reaction of my kiddos. I did tell them last night, when they wake up, that my hair would be gone. They didn't seem too interested. I'm sure the visual will change that. Some of you may wonder why I just decided to get rid of it. Let me tell you, NOTHING was anchoring my hair to my head. You know when you pull a piece of hair out of your head, and you have a little white root at the end of it? It was like the roots were melted away. Nothing was there, all over my head. So why keep it?

I do have some wigs in the closet, as well. I will try those later. For now, I lay here, in the wee hours of the morning, with Ryan's beanie hat on, sporting the shortest 'do I could ever possibly have. And you'll just have to be here to see it, for now. Neener. He he he. :) (except for you, Jenny L, I promised you a text. Later today, girl ;))

My hair is having a mass exodus from my head. Huge clumps are falling out now. :(. It's so strange, to see my hair so thin, I've always had so much of it.

It makes me cry. And I hate that. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I'm going to have no choice but to wear hats and scarves now. As I pulled clumps of hair out and threw it in the toilet, I stopped to feel my neck, and lo and behold, the lumps are really even smaller today from yesterday. While I lose one good thing, the bad thing that I need to be rid of is going too. That makes me happy. I'm still crying, but I know it's all going to be ok. I'm getting better.

Did you know that they make turbans for women??? I'm going to order me some tonight. Something super funky ;).

:*)

As I was feeling myself up today (just my neck, people), I noticed...the bump that I had behind my ear is GONE. Adios, hasta la vista, boo bye. My lump on the right side, above my clavicle...GONE. My mass of lumps in the left supraclavicular area...so much more significantly smaller. IT WORKS!!!!! How happy am I?? :) :) :) :). I hadn't felt my neck for a few days, and the one bump I had behind my ear was still there for certain this weekend. Today, I seriously can't even feel a trace of it!

What's not working...are my finger tips. They are more numb than last week, especially my thumb, fore finger and middle finger, on the pads. Today I have more tingling than numbness, so I think feeling is trying to return. I hope so. I called Dr Shah yesterday to tell her about the numbness, and she said if it doesn't go away or reduce, they will have to hold one of the chemo drugs, the Vincristine. She doesn't want any permanent damage to my nerves, which I appreciate, but I also don't want the chemo to be less effective. She said they do clinical trials without certain drugs, and the trials still work, but it can also be less effective. It may just take a reduced dose, too, since they base it on height and weight (maybe they gave me enough for a 300 lb football player. I am a bit hefty). So, we'll see. All I know is what they did just after ONE chemo treatment is working! Let's hope this numbness reduces so I can get it all done again like before.

My hair is starting to come out, too :-/. Just strands 4-5 at a time, when I run my fingers through it, but it's starting. Maybe I'll just thin out. Either way, I need to get hat shopping soon.

Anyways, I thought you all would like to hear that bit of good news :). I'm very very happy about this today. :)

I had a follow up appt with Dr. Shah on Wednesday, and it went well.  She felt my bumps, and she thought they felt smaller, which I agreed.  I do have numbness in my fingertips now, which was a known side effect, my finger tips feel like they're a bit frost bitten.  I asked her about my killer heartburn that I had while on the prednisone, and she gave me a script for prevacid.  Thank you, Jeebus.  I felt like I had a hole in my throat, which is better now since I'm not taking drugs, but I'll have it for next time.  I just can't stay away from carbs and tomato sauce anymore, that is worse than the heart burn! ;)

So, next chemo date is Wed., October 26, and the one after is Wed., November 16.  If anyone would like to come and sit with me while I get chemo'd up, let me know! I love visitors :). Ryan will be going with me for all my visits, but he may have to leave early to pick up the boy from the bus, if we don't have anything arranged, so I could use a ride home, if anything, from my homies.  And hey, Whole Foods and Suburpia are just down the street... Lots of good places to eat afterwards :)

Whoa Baby! Big photos. But I'm in yo' faaaacce!

Today I was supposed to run the Chicago Marathon.  While my heart wasn't really into the training this year, I was disappointed that I couldn't finish training to run it.  Something to prove, I guess.  Instead, I ran 2 miles this morning, and I felt great.  I had assumed I would be so tired and not be able to do much, but the fact that I can get out and still go running makes me feel better about all of this.  No big deal!  So instead, I will cheer on my brother John, my friends Heather and Mike from my couch. ;). Run your asses off!  Maybe I'll try again next year...with a definite cause to run for.  

Like I said, I continue to feel well.  Ryan has worked all weekend, and I have been home with the kids.  They have been very very good :).  I'm hoping that I can continue to stay energized through out this all, but I will let you all know when I really need help, I promise.  For now, all is quiet on the Bigelow front.

Have a spectacular week! It continues to be beautiful weather wise up here. We all must take advantage of it.

Xoxoxo

I slept all night! And I feel fantastic today! I'm about to leave for work to see my one patient today, I'm riding my bike there. I'm all dolled up because Ryan is going to take his new fancy lenses for test drive on me, he's shooting a wedding this weekend. If we get any glamour shots, I'll post a few on here later. I'll show you what a real cancer patient looks like ;)

Xoxoxo

It's 9:30, my house is quiet, my dog is laying next to me on the couch... And I'm feeling fiiiiine. Nothing yet. Some heartburn, but no nausea yet. Hopefully I will feel ok tomorrow, I have a few patients to see and I'd like to go to the gym for a bit, but we shall see.

Thank you to all who have called, texted, messaged me today. I have some wonderful friends and family, I can't say that enough. I'm a lucky girl :)

Xoxoxo

Ahhhh! They're pumping me up with Kool Aid! Where's the vodka?!

:)

I slept well last night, woke up this morning, went to the gym, worked for a few hours, all feeling really great!

I am currently at the cancer center now, starting the CHOP portion of this madness. Just found out that I probably won't be sleeping at all tonight, due to the prednisone and the other steroid their giving me via IV, so if anyone has insomnia tonight, give me a call! I'll be probably watching the Cosby show all night. Big surprise. Ooh, I still have to see Bridesmaids, I think I'll rent that! Or call me. Really. If you're up.

Here's to hoping I'm nausea-free. I'll post later, if I'm not feeling cruddy.

I start chemo, and Steve Jobs is gone. What a day.

Day one of chemo is done.  I had the Rituxan part of the cocktail today.  They loaded me up with benadryl, and started the drip.  I was ok, until about an hour into it, I got the shakes and chills, pretty badly.  It felt like a really bad flu.  I needed about 4 warm blankets and my teeth chattered terribly. My mom said I turned white as a ghost.  I cried, bc I hate that flu feeling, and I wanted it to go away.  They had to give me some more benadryl and some steroid shot, and I was fine after about an hour. They were able to restart the drip after that.  I was there for a total of 7 hours.  Whew.  After today, though, they can speed up the future treatments, to about 1/2 that time.  The reaction I had was pretty typical, it happens to most people after about an hour into treatment, so I was very timely :). But now, it shouldnt happen anymore. It was my body's fight against the cancer cells.  The drug was blowing up the cancer, like clay pigeons. Ka blewy!! Ha HA! I've got you now!

Tomorrow I go in for the CHOP portion of the chemo, it should only take 45 min to an hour, and it may make me feel ucky. But I got my scripts for the good nausea stuff, and I'll start taking that tomorrow.

Thank you to Jamie for stopping by on your day off! It was so nice to chat for a while, it broke up the day! Maybe you need some chemo for that shoulder pain of yours.  You can't have mine, though.  Get your own.

View outside of cancer center. The lake is behind the trees.

I'm ready.

Tomorrow is day 1. I know what I can expect, from the worst of it to it not being so bad.  Hoping and wishing for the least amount of symptoms possible, with as little disruption to my life as possible.

Here's the beginning of saying "good bye" to cancer. Easiest good bye I'll get to say.  Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Beotch.

Thanks to everyone for your calls and texts the past few days.  I apologize for not getting back to each of you, but I've had a busy past 3 days.  My port surgery went well, I'm still a little sore, but I can move my arm pretty well, with little pulling in my chest. You can't really tell anything is there.  I had 2 dr appts on Thursday and today, and along with that, had other random appointments, had to work, and go out to dinner with some fantastic friends :) (Carini's...yum!) So, here is my update.

I went to the dr yesterday at St Mary's. My CT scan of my abdomen and pelvis came out clear, and my PET scan confirmed the hot spots I have in my left supraclavicular area, chest and axilla, but there is no other evidence of any other lymph node or organ involvement in the rest of my body.  The bone marrow biopsy came out negative, as well.  This is all good news! :)   I have Stage 2 lymphoma.  Because my pathology reports favor the non Hodgkins type, they will treat me with as Diffuse large B Cell lymphoma (DLBCL).  This involves a regimen of chemo along with a targeted therapy drug.  It is called R-CHOP.  R stands for Rituxan, and it targets the B cells and essentially blows them up.  This is the drug they will give me next Wednesday, and it can take4-6 hours to push it.  It takes so long because they have to monitor any reactions to the drug.  If you think of the cancer cells as bubbles in my body, and as this drug reacts, it pops the bubbles and releases toxins.  They may have to give me benadryl, wait to push the drug until the side effects wear off, etc.  But it is killing cancer cells, so even though I may not look pretty while getting it, I appreciate what it is doing.  The second day, Thursday, I will go in for the CHOP portion of the treatment, which are the chemo drugs, and those should only take 45 min to an hour.  If all goes well with this first treatment, then I can get the rest of my treatments all in one day.  I will get 6 treatments, every 3 weeks. So, I could be done with all of this by mid January.  Yay! I'm going to Disney world! Well, a Disney cruise, in March ;)

So, I mentioned that I start next Wednesday.  I'm happy about this, because I need to get started.

I went for my second opinion appt at Froedtert with Dr Fenske.  While Froedtert is nice with a great reputation, we waited an HOUR AND 1/2 for our appt to begin.  Once we saw the dr, it all went well.  Their pathologist did say that the sample did have characteristics of both HL and DLBCL, but they actually thought it did favor DLBCL more.  So, they agree with the St Mary's protocol, he pretty much said everything Dr. Shah said re: treatment.  Yay! I'm sticking with St Mary's.  Dr Fenske and Dr Shah also both said they have worked with each other, and if necessary, they can consult each other, so that made me and Ryan feel better about everything. Plus, after that long wait, and I felt that Froedtert had less of a personal touch than CSM, I feel even more confident going with CSM.

Dr Fenske did review all the stats and prognoses with us, and he assured us that even though Hodgkins get the reputation of the "best" lymphoma to have, DLBCL is also has a very good outlook, and given than I have essentially zero other risk factors and am low on the IPI risk scale (google it, if interested), I can achieve full remission and be cured just as well.  So there. :). DLBCL is a very aggressive lymphoma, but given that, aggressive lymphoma also responds the best to treatment.

So, there it is.  I'm starting chemo on Wednesday.  My Mom and Ryan will be going with me.  I will let you all know when my next treatment dates come up, I think I'd rather get through this first one with my family, since it may be a rougher one.  

I plan on enjoying this weekend, maybe I'll get my sushi this weekend, since I won't be able to eat it while on chemo (raw fish=potential bacteria=bad news), and I'll work Monday and tuesday, before I take the rest of the week and weekend to go into combat with lymphoma.  Thanks for all your prayers and well wishes! Keep them up, I'll need them next week, fo sho! :)

Xoxoxo

Before and after. Note my Creepy Cole smile. Ehhhh.

Ok, moment of weakness here..

Whhhhhhhy meeeeeeee? Why do I have to do this? Why does my husband, my kids, my family, my friends have to go through this with me? They don't want to do it, either! It's not fair. I know I have been reassured it is not true the few times that I have let it out, and I really don't think it's true most of the time, but a little part of me still can't help think sometimes that I have been an awful person somewhere along the lines. Maybe not outwardly, but even some of the thoughts in my head. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.  I hate this. 

I'm just feeling sorry for myself right now. It happens now and then, and it's bound to happen. I become Iron Woman today. I get my port put in, and it's just making me feel a little bit closer to that title of becoming an official cancer patient. 

I dropped the kids off with my parents last night, because they are going to watch them for a few days so I can get some rest. Kirra was so sad, she was trying so hard not to cry when I dropped her off, but she couldn't hold it back anymore. It made me feel so badly. She is usually my easy one, she loved to stay overnight with Grandma and Papa, and often told them she'd like to live and go to school there. I don't know if it's her age, or maybe she knows that something is going on with me, but it really broke my heart to see her so sad. And it confirmed my reason that I need to fight so hard for this. I NEED to be here. I can NOT leave my kids, husband and family behind. They all need me, and fuck it if I'm going to let this lymphoma get the best of me. I'm tired of it already. I need it out and gone and behind me. I will do my part and be the best little patient I can, and I will fight the shit out of this thing. I just can't help but have moments like this when I feel sorry for myself. Maybe that's not what I'm feeling, I guess I'm just more pissed and mad. I don't feel sorry for myself, and I don't want any of you to feel sorry for me, either. I really don't. It's funny how "I'm sorry" is just a universal phrase that everyone says, for something as minor as stepping on a toe, or for when a loved one passes, or when someone gets diagnosed with cancer. I'm guilty of saying it all the time. I am a self proclaimed Guilty Catholic. And I don't fault any of you who have said it to me, what can you say? What I'm now trying to get across  is that I don't want anyone to feel like I need sympathy or empathy for what I am going through. I want NO ONE else to ever have to go through this, as much as I can hope for it. Just know that I am going to be strong, and while it suuuuuuuuuucks, I can do this. I can. I really can. If you start to feel sorry for me, stop yourself, go scream really loud outside (or inside), do some fist pumps in the air, stamp your feet on the ground, or just eat a lot of chocolate chip cookies, because I am not going to be feeling sorry for myself. So you shouldn't either. 

So, now I'm done. I won't promise that this won't happen again, I know I am capable of crying many rivers over this (Justin Timberlake, you can come serenade me anytime, while I watch you dance), but for now I am done. Gotta go get ready to get the good drugs and become Iron Woman :). Then I'll come home and watch hours and hours of the Cosby Show on Netflix. 

Xoxoxo

Bone marrow biopsy went well on Friday.  It didn't hurt at all while the pathologist did the procedure, thanks to good drugs.  I was sore afterwards, and very tired, it felt like I got kicked by a donkey in the hinder. It's pretty ok now, I was able to go to the gym today and work out on the elliptical and run a mile on the treadmill.  It felt good to exercise, and I need to keep it up so I can stay in relatively ok shape.

Wednesday is my surgery for my port placement.  I got a call from the pre op nurse today, to ask me the now routine questions prior to any procedure or surgery I have at the hospital. She asked me the question, "how many surgeries have you had in the past?". Funny, I had none prior to September 7, and now by this Wednesday, I will have had 3.  And every nurse that asks about my past medical history, always remarks "you are so healthy, besides this darned thing you're going through".  Yes, I knooooooow.  That's why it's so frustrating! 

My 2 dr appts are on Thurs and Fri, too.  We will hopefully be making a somewhat easy decision on who to go with this weekend, and I may begin chemo next week?!  The sooner, the better.  Maybe it will all feel real by then? I read a few posts on a lymphoma forum that I just joined, and it looks like my first chemo treatment could last between 6-8 hours. Wow. Good thing I have so many tv shows to catch up with on Hulu already, it looks like I'll need something to pass the time away.  I wonder if Jimmy John's delivers to the cancer center? Subs so fast you'll freak the poor cancer patients out of their BarcaLoungers.

So, I'm sure you'll all be reading more by the end of this week, I will update as soon as I can re: the surgery and the dr appointments.  Keep up with the prayers and positive vibes, it is helping so much, I can feel it! Thank you, thank you!!

Light The Night Walk.

>Because my friends are full of awesomeness :) and I know others would be and are full of awesomeness, too, I'm sharing this link for the Light The Night Walk that takes place in Lisle on Sunday, September 25. If you'd like to join them by walking, please do! And if you're able, donate to the cause, helping support research for blood cancers, and families that are fighting them, too. I wish I could come down for the walk, but know that I'm there 150% in spirit :)


pages.lightthenight.org/il/WSuburbn11/Jellybeans94

Bone marrow biopsy today :/. Hoping and praying I'm all worked up about it for nothing, and it's not a big deal. I asked Ryan this morning, that if it does hurt as much as I fear it may, could I punch him in the hip, too? He asked why? I said so that he could commiserate with me. So, you all should pray that my husband isn't limping around this weekend, too.

Today I rode my bike to work. I had 2 patients to see, and they live within a 1-2 miles of my house, so I decided to bike it today. Most of you know I work in home care, so I'm usually driving all over the city. Having only one vehicle was a big part of that decision, and Ryan had to work at St Mary's Ozaukee today, so instead of waking the kids at 6:30 am and risking another bus incident with Cole, I told him to take the car. It's a beautiful day to bike around. I surprised the heck out of my patients, though, they were expecting to see a car pull up. I told them I was being green. They probably think I am a hippy. (No offense to you hippies. Hippies do fun things!). Then I rode my bike to Trader Joe's and brought my groceries home in my back pack. Huh, huh?!?!

This week begins my barrage of tests. I had my PET scan yesterday. After my MUGA scan and CT scans tomorrow, you may be able to find me glowing in the dark from all the wonderful radiation that has soaked through me. I just got a call for my surgery time for my port placement next week. I was happy to find out from a great family friend who is a nurse that the port is pretty small, and won't be a huge thing bulging from my chest. I was also unhappy to find out that I could have this port in me for more than just the time I'm having chemo. Like 2 or more YEARS. Ehhhhhhh. Well, at least will come out at some point. My goal in life was to never have anything implanted in my body permanently, like a pacemaker, or having knee or hip replacements, if I could help it. I will have to have a little party the day that is removed.

So, nothing really new to report on this front. I'm feeling good still, although I did feel a few more bumps in my arm pit this weekend :(. What can I do about it now? It feels like I have been kicked in the arm pit, it's just sore. More annoying than anything. I just keep telling myself that it will be gone soon. No need to worry. Chemo will come in and shoot it all up, bam bam bam! I've got you now!

Here comes my boy, off the bus :) catch you all at the end of the week!

Oh, and happy birthday to my roommate from college, Jill, and happy anniversary to Terri and Charlie! Nothing but happy wishes for all of you on this beautiful day. Xoxoxo.

I went running today for the first time since all this stuff started happening. It felt pretty good! I did feel some pulling in my incision area, where they took the biopsy last week, but then I didn't notice it after about 1/2 mile. It got me wondering, though, how would it feel to run, once I had my port put in? I may have to come up with another exercise regime. I'll try it, though. I doubt pole dancing would be any better... And the Party Rock Anthem is a great song to run to. I broke out into a shuffle a few times, gotta keep up with my dancing skills.

One of my good friends from high school's mom had lymphoma about 7 years ago. I went to talk to her and her husband today. We now have a little club of 2 :). I hope we never have to teach anyone else the secret handshake because we ain't got no room for 3. It's exclusive, our club. It helped to talk about the things that I was going through, my feelings, what to expect. I need to look into some other resources for support in the Milwaukee area. Ahhhhhh. I'm still feeling good, though. Physically and mostly mentally. I'm glad I'm writing my thoughts down now, so I can look back on this a month from now, and see where I was. I'm hoping in a month I will have at least one treatment down in the books.

I have all my appointments set up for next week, for all the testing, and it looks like I'll have the port placed on the 28th. I have my follow up appointment with Dr. Shah at CSM on the 29th, and I have a second opinion appointment at Froedtert with Dr. Fenske on the 30th. So...at this time, in 2 weeks, I will be making some decisions on which way to go. I have to go with my gut, and who I feel comfortable with. I hope I have some more clear cut answers so that the decision won't be difficult to make.

In the meantime, I am in Wheaton this weekend to watch my Moms and Bro run the Fox Valley Marathon. She is trying to qualify for Boston AGAIN. What an over achiever. Gail, ahem, I mean JOHN, will be running with her, making sure she gets her banana and that she can break that 4:00 goal she has. GOOOOOO MOM! And GAIL!!! Damn, I mean, JOHN!! And tonight I get to see some friends, which I'm excited about :) It'll be fun!

Who wants to come and put my kid on the bus in the morning? Because that was no fun. Omg. Cole decided he wasn't going to get on the bus and go to school this morning, the 4th day of school for him. For what reason, I do not know. I just know that he has legs and arms that rival steel in strength, when he does not want to move and bend them to get him moving in a normal fashion. I had to let the bus driver go without both of my kids (yes, bc once Kirra saw that Cole was not getting on the bus, she was not happy. Poor girl was trying not to cry). I ended up driving them to school. And I proceeded to boo hoo my way out of the school, frustrated, mad, and defeated. Dad and Amy, you got the brunt of the aftermath, and just to let you both know, I am fine now. It's over, Cole is home, and our fridge may be a few beers lighter tonight, once this day is done.

Last night, I got an email from a good friend of mine, that made me think. I had said in my last post that I was fine with going with the dr that we met yesterday, she is nice, and seemed to be on top of things. The facility is beautiful, it over looks the lake, and is very serene. I could imagine having treatment there. But...given that the results of my biopsy are still inconclusive on my dx, I need to go and get a second opinion. I need to find out what I have, for certain. This is a one shot deal for me, I don't need to do this again. Jason, while your email frustrated me in the beginning, I know your intentions were only for my health and well being, and this morning, it helped point me in the direction that I am going now. I called Froedtert Hospital this morning, and spoke with someone there about getting started with a second opinion. I will go ahead and get the testing that I need done from CSM, since it all needs to be done anyways, but they will request all my records and look at it again. Froedtert has the medical college, and my first instinct, when I found out about the lymphoma, was to go there for all of this. I thought I felt settled last night with my decision on going solely with CSM, but knowing that I have Froedtert to go over it all, also, gives me even more security that I am going to find out an answer.

And can I tell you...I had no idea that there was so much love that one person could feel from their friends and family. Oh my Lord. I am moved beyond my imagination by everyone who has reached out to me, with offers of prayers, thoughts, food, drinks, childcare, subscriptions to the Butter Of The Month Club. You know what goes really well with butter? Lobster. Think about it.;)

I thank you and love you all. Xo

My first oncology appointment.

First appt with oncologist went well. She is a tiny little thing, about my age. And she probably has a really big brain. Lots of smarts. I liked her, Ryan liked her, so we will go with her.

My diagnosis is still not clear, though. I have lymphoma, but it is indistinguishable between classic Hodgkin lymphoma and diffuse large B-cell lymphoma. I have to be so difficult! Apparently this is not common, for this to happen. The pathology report from Mayo clinic favors the diffuse large B-cell lymphoma, though, so she said we will go with that for now, and she feels confident that we can go ahead with starting the staging process. She did say that either lymphoma does well with chemo and the cancer cells will just "melt away". Ooh, melt away. I picture a big ol' scoop of lard just oozing away. I was going to say butter, but that would ruin my love of butter, so we'll go with lard, because ain't no chance you'll see me eating a large scoop of lard. The dr will further look into finding out which dx I have, she'll talk to the pathologist both at St Mary's and Mayo, and we'll see what they say. How many people can say they've stumped Mayo Clinic? I have! Neener. ;)

Now, to clarify for those of you who don't know much, if anything at all, about lymphoma. Here's what the dr told us. Staging with lymphoma is different than staging with any other kind of cancer. When you are staged with, say, stage IV lung cancer, or stage III/IV breast cancer, it means that it is more advanced, involving other organs, tissues, and that it has spread. With lymphoma, staging just is saying how much of the body has the cancer cells, it does not mean that it is more advanced. So stage I is not "better" than stage IV, as far as being curable. It just means that more lymph nodes and organs are involved, but are just as treatable as the stage I. I hope that made sense.

So, here is my list of tests that I will be having in the next few days: CT of abdomen and pelvis, PET scan, MUGHA scan (to test my heart, should be fine, but it is done as a precautionary), Bone Marrow Biopsy ( I made SURE that I would be knocked out during that test. She said I will be sedated. Yessss...), and I will have a port placed. A port is put in under my skin, in my chest, and it will be where I will have the chemo done. I wonder if I can put beer through my port... Ooh, fun little game! ;). And as soon as they find out what the bone marrow scan (results take 3-4 days) and what is really going on with me, I could start chemo the next day. So, maybe next week?! I can't wait? No really, I can't wait!

As we walked in to the back area, where I met the dr, we passed the area where few people were getting their chemo treatments. When I saw that, it felt reeeeeaaalllly surreal. I was going to be one of those people in those chairs, with that IV machine, being infused or whatever. I cried in the exam room, just for half a minute, but then I was fine. I will get through this. I have to get through this. It will be a blip in my life, something that we will remember as a hard time, but something that was necessary to live through. For what reason I was "given" this disease, I don't know. But you know what....cancer is going regret that it ever messed with me, because it ain't gonna be welcome in my home no more. It's gots to go. Sheeeeeeeiiiiit. ;)

I had a breakdown while sitting on the toilet, doing my business this morning. First really big one since Wednesday (not referring to the business, that's sick). I have cancer. Effffffffing cancer. And how did it happen to me? I don't know. It's not supposed to. So cliche. And yet, it did. And I have to deal with it.

Uuuugggggghhhh. I go to the ENT for my follow up appt today. I had a biopsy on Wed, Sept. 7, which preliminary biopsy results say I have lymphoma, most likely Hodgkins. Oh, If I could only hope and pray for a diagnosis, Hodgkins would be it! So sick and wrong to think this, but it's one of the most curable out there. Both of my doctors have said it to me, even before I found out I had cancer. So, I am hoping when we go to the dr for the final result, this is what it is. I can deal with this. And where do I go from here? I hope to get those answers today.

So here I am, I decided today I add a new title to my tag line: Jenny Bigelow, Blogger Extraordinaire :). I will do my best to document everything that is going on with me and my family in the next few months and beyond, so that anyone who is interested in what is going on, can know. I am not afraid to put myself out there, and I welcome and seek any advice, suggestions, prayers, thoughts, positive energy and vibes that anyone has to offer. I have already received so so so many wonderful messages and calls from people, It overwhelms me. In fact, it is what brings me to tears more than the fact that I have cancer. At least, at this point it is. Well, I do cry when I think about my kids and Ryan, and the rest of my family, when I think about what they will have to go through, as well. But we are a strong lot, full of stubbornness, and we will give this diagnosis "what for" and push on through. I have no doubt about that.

Ok. Deep breath. I need to go wake up Ryan so he can get ready to go with me. He worked the over night shift at the hospital, and has to work at Apple tonight. Then begins a 2 weeks stretch of work for him, without a day off. My dear husband.

Update after dr appt coming up soon. And I'll give a background story, for those of you who want to know how this came about.

Xo